I've neglected my journal for so long, it almost doesn't feel natural anymore. i want to blog about it on my actual blog, or post something on twitter or facebook, but that wouldn't be fair because evan can see all of that. at the unrealistic suggestion by my sister, i'm back here. this one is just for me. i'm sorry if you happen upon it. "Some days just aren't yours at all. They come and go just like someone else's days" - Regina Spektor I miss him a lot. More than I can let everyone know. Evan was my best friend, the person that knew me more than anyone else. And I was that person to him too. I don't know where it went wrong.... he kept loving me so much, more and more and more, but it came to a point where I couldn't see it anymore. I'd ask for more and he'd tell me he was doing the best he could. What was on the surface apparently didn't match what was on the inside. So I let myself stay at the level I thought he was at. I don't know when it happened, when it leveled off. But I realized that I'd grown incapable of giving him any more. I wish I wish I wish I could, but I can't. I get so lonely now. The other day I heard one of my roommates walking up the stairs and the picture that popped in my mind was Evan walking through the door, laptop bag slung over his shoulder, greeting me with a "Hi, Niccers". And then I knew I probably wouldn't ever expect that again. And then I felt lonely.
I was looking at my step brother's girlfriend's facebook page, and one of her status' was "meeting my better half in a matter of hours" and the "better half" part sent me over the edge. That was just now. That was what made me have to write this. He probably was my better half in some ways. *whoooooooooo* that was me letting out a deep breath. i know this is what i have to do for right now. | 